Rollercoasters?!

I used to LOVE rollercoasters... the fastest, the highest, the scariest... Not anymore.

Something about having kids and being responsible has sparked a weird kind of dislike, or maybe fear... at any rate, I'm not a huge fan of the biggest, baddest ones anymore. I think I used to enjoy life being a sort of rollercoaster too. That has also changed!!

It seems like the last few weeks, since Oct. 25-the 1st yr anniversary of my mom's death, have been crazy. One day I think I'm handling things really well and I can actually think about her without crying. Then most days, I just feel weird, kind of like a zombie... in emotional limbo. Similar to the first few weeks after she died. Then there are the bad days too. Seems like those usually begin after waking up from a weird dream about her.

And now with Christmas nearly here... it's been terrible, I almost wish it was February and we were well past this time.

Christmas was her favorite time of year... she had LOTS of decorations, outside, inside, in everyroom, even the bathroom!! She started listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. She could drive around every night and look at others decorations. She always bought a little something for everyone, probably even the mailman!!! While I was annoyed at most of these Christmas traditions... I miss them now... I miss then desperately. I would love to go back and truly enjoy those times with her.

Now I struggle to make Christmas enjoyable and not annoying for my kids and to also truly enjoy the time with them. It is such a strange place to be in. I am seeing the need to lean on the everlasting arms of the Savior... the One who started all these crazy traditions in the first place!

This is one of my favorite Christmas pics with her!

Thank you Jesus!

Essentially Frustrated

Over the last few years I have heard many conversations about the "essentials" of the faith and about not compromising on them - good counsel! I have run into very big and obvious differences but had yet to realize how I defined my "essentials" until a supposed "non-essential" challenged me. I think I know now.

Are essentials only related to God's sovereignty and salvation? I don't think so.

Webster defines essential as: of the utmost importance. (in this context)

So how do we decide what is and what is not essential or of the utmost importance regarding our faith? If I believe the Bible to be God's Word, then I believe it is all true and of the utmost importance regarding my faith! I don't believe the culture we live in today changes any part of God's Word or makes anything any less relevant or less important... and that is what shapes my study of His Word and "essentially" the living out of my faith.
:)

Rocky Foundations

In a Bible study that I am doing the passage of the wise man and the foolish man in Matthew 7 came up, you know the song... "The wise man built his house upon the rock... the rains came down and the floods came up (are you doing the motions)... and the house on the rock stood firm!" Well, as most of us probably, I thought, "oh ya, I know this passage" and didn't REALLY read it, went on and answered the study questions. But I thought of this passage all day and continued to have these images of houses in my head.

*I suppose a little side note would help out the reader at this point - I had still been struggling with prayer and guilt about my lack of dedication to spending time with the Lord, something that has been ongoing since the whirlwind of a couple of months when my mom died, the holidays, and Lincoln being born. I have known that the enemy was getting a foothold wherever possible but even knowing that wasn't helping my guilt, I guess the enemy knew that too.*

So as I am pondering this passage and images of houses something clicked... The house built on the sandy foundation obviously would not stand during a flood or even a fierce storm, even the foundation would be washed away. But the house built on the rock foundation is obviously different. If the house represents our lives then it needs to be maintained in order to continue to stand. We may get a broken window or need a new roof or perhaps some siding needs replaced but even when we sustain damage from a fierce storm, the foundation is still firm. The damage can be repaired. Sometimes when it is better to replace the entire the roof we can only afford to patch the holes.

I guess that is kind of how I have felt these last months... I know there are repairs that need to be made but I can only do what is absolutely necessary to get by. And yes, my house will still be standing on the firm foundation. It just may not look as nice and new as it once did. Maybe someday I will be able to really fix it up, remodel, or even upgrade. For now, I am thankful I can sit on my front porch and know that my house will stand when the storms come...

Spiritually Overwhelmed?

Is being spiritually overwhelmed possible? Maybe that is not a good choice of words, maybe "in awe of all the Lord is doing" is better. However you say it I just have this overwhelming sense of amazement at the work of our God.

While on vacation (details on Kennedy Connection) I got a phone call from a very good friend with very awesome news... She is now not only my friend, but also my sister in Christ! After years of praying, many, many prayers were answered. So many things are happening so fast in her life that it is obviously the work of God.

I have also been doing a study in Luke... just a week after the news of my friend I come upon the parable of the soils in Luke 8... v.15 "As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the Word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience." WOW... bearing fruit with patience!! It has taken literally years for this friend of mine, but with patience, I finally saw that fruit! Something about this whole situation strengthens my confidence in the my Lord and all that He promises.

So here is another "a-ha" type thing going on... Before Miles and I moved to Wichita we read a book written by the President (and founder) of World Impact, Keith Phillips. It is called "Out of Ashes" and kind of chronicles the beginning of World Impact and the love and compassion he had/has for the inner city, poor people of America. As we read his book we kept saying "that's us... that's what we should be doing... that is why we grew up the way we did...", we knew the Lord wanted to us to minister to others who are going through things we had. So then a couple weeks ago Miles "randomly" finds this video by a guy named Francis Chan. We thought his name sounded familiar so we began doing a little research... He is on the national board for WI. He has also written a book, "crazy love". We began reading it the first day of vacation. The title sums up the book... the love of God is crazy, the love we have for God is crazy, the things this love causes us to do is crazy... all in a good way of course. Two sentences out of this book have been tattooed on my mind so to speak.

"Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers." (crazy love, Chan, pg 114-115)

This book is exactly what my heart needed almost 2yrs after moving to Wichita...
Thank You Lord

Missing Momma

So this is the tattoo I got in memory of my mom. I knew I wanted a dolphin but couldn't come up with a design I really liked, not to mention making a decision as to where to put it since dolphins are not something I am normally in to. They are pretty and cute and fun to watch but I had never thought about getting a tattoo of one. So while on vacation I had some time to really think about it and found this design that I really love. It fits my personality/style/type, whatever you want to call it and it reminds me of my mom. So I decided to put it on my forearm/wrist (inside part) so I can look at it whenever I want to. Oh yeah, and the eye is green because that was mom's favorite color.

I am so thankful that the Lord knows my heart and knows what I need. I have really been missing my mom, wishing I could see her, wishing she'd come visit again soon...

So we have had more people come visit this summer than ever before and it has just been great and it's not over yet...

I have been so blessed to keep in touch with a couple of my mom's good friends as well as making new friends here that have so much in common. I have a few women that I can share my heart with in regards to my mom and that helps a lot but nothing will ever replace her.

The thoughts of wanting to call her to tell her something or send her pictures of the kids make me just want to fall on the floor in a heap and sob.... thanks to prozac, I don't do it that often!

Hahaha!

OK... maybe that is TMI and maybe I should clarify that I'm not a chronically depressed person. After having Lincoln 3 1/2 months after mom died I was just an emotional trainwreck! So I am finally approaching the 6 month mark and doing extremely better and will be off the meds soon!!

If you are one of the ladies I have talked about, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

You are truly a blessing!

Very good illustration

Thanks to my husband I now know who Francise Chan is and I don't think I have ever seen someone be able to illustrate a point like he does. There are numerous videos on youtube and many other church sites. I think the video speaks for itself...

Girls Night

Last week Sydni and I attended the annual Gala In The Garden at Botanica here in Wichita. It is put on by our church and includes touring the botanical gardens, dinner, a craft for the girls, and a guest speaker.

I had not intended to go to this event at all. It was on a day that I had several things going on already and I didn't want to end my day with one more thing I HAD to do. Especially, a Gala... what is a Gala anyway... sounds a little too fancy for this girl. After a gentle push from a mature lady I respect, I made the commitment to go. I'm very glad that I did!

Sydni and I had a fun time walking around the gardens and taking pictures. She is growing up so fast I just had to take a couple deep breaths and take it all in.



The guest speaker was absolutely wonderful! She spoke about God's perfect timing and contentment (imagine that). And left me with something I will never forget. She said, "When I have not been content in my life it has been because I wasn't in control of something" WOW! Is it that simple? How easily we complicate our lives!
1 Timothy 6:6 says, "Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment,"

Loving Fellowship

I have been thinking about the condition of "the church" these days and how much the world really has an influence. We have as many programs as possible, for as many people as possible and yet it seems we lack TRUE fellowship. [fellowship - sharing in common]


I see A LOT of fellowship in the world. We "fellowship" with family members because we have the same family members in common. We fellowship with friends because we have known each other for a long time, or have kids the same age, or share the same interests, or are fans of the same team/sport. Mothers fellowships with other mothers from their kid's school. We fellowship with co-workers at our jobs and even after we clock out.


When living my life apart from Christ I used to spend a lot of time "fellowshipping" at the bar. I always liked going to the bar, not so much for the drinking, but for the "fellowship". It is easy to "fit in" at the bar. Come in, sit down, "how are you?", listen to music, dance, chat, play pool or darts....
I think I had only stepped into a couple of bars that I didn't feel "comfortable" in. Often times I felt more comfortable, accepted, loved, etc. there than with my own family and yes, even sometimes more comfortable than a couple churches I have attended. How sad!


I just feel sick at the thought that I have a great friend, who is an amazing woman and I can't tell her "this or that church is great... go talk to so and so, they are great, you'll love it there". She would have to drive over an hour to get to that kind of church!!!


What exactly are we "fellowshipping" about during the few hours a week we spend together at church...more worldly things than spiritual?
Isn't having Christ in common enough?
What other criterea do we require of others?
What better thing could we share in common?
Where is the LOVE? At the bar? I hope not!

Am I just going through the motions of my Sunday/Tuesday habit?
Am I as loving and encouraging as I should be... as God expects me to be?


Hebrews 10:24-25 says,
"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

Multitasker Memorization

Is that even possible?

I think I have mastered multitasking, but something still isn't quite right... I can do several things at once as long as one particular thing doesn't require my undivided attention, such as reading, studying, or memorizing. I would love to blame this on our American culture and how it has helped to shape me in the last 30+ years, but I'm afraid that is just an excuse. Although it is a very good and logical excuse, that is still all it is, an excuse. I have never been able to read or study in the midst of other things going on around me. With 1 husband, 4 kids, & 2 cats... there seems to ALWAYS be something going on which in turn causes my brain to be multitasking. I have a child who thinks it's necessary to get up way too early, often times before the sun even makes an appearance... there goes the "get up early before everyone else" senario! By the time the kids are all snug in their beds (and asleep) I have pretty much checked out for the day. A zombie trying to get any last minute multitasking in before I go to bed and try to get my brain to slow down enough so I can fall asleep. Do you see how all my excuses kind of flow together to make one big excuse.....

So often I wish I had a lifestyle that allowed me to get up before everyone, have a cup of coffee in silence, have an uniterrupted time of prayer and reading the Word... it sounds so.... perfect :)

I suppose one day I will be in a season of life that allows for such perfection but I am certain that time is not now.

So where was I going with this....... oh yeah, memorization. I've been told how important it is. Somehow I believe I was told this too late. When I was younger I could memorize phone numbers and addresses with ease but that was also pre-cell phone & email, when my grandparents still had a rotary phone. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit! Just when I think I can't witness to anyone because I can't memorize anything, the Spirit steps in to help me out with the words I need! Whewww.... boy am I glad that God knew we'd need the Spirit. I am also thankful for the mornings or afternoons or evenings that I DO get the kind of peace and quiet I need even if only for a few minutes! I am also very thankful that He knows my heart... and my excuses :)

Greetings and Explanations

We (Miles & I) created a blog a few years ago to keep friends and family posted on what was going on with our family and of course to post lots of pictures! Well I have been tossing around the idea of starting another blog that would be more personal, i.e. personal thoughts, what I am studying, what I am learning, etc. With all of our moving around over the years, I have left long time friends, new friends, school friends, church friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers. There are many people I would love to stay in contact with but quite frankly it is very time consuming, when I need to invest my time where we are... if any of that makes sense.

Simply stated, if you have known me for a long time or a short time and care to follow what is going on in my life then great, please do. If not, then don't, no hard feelings!

So how did I come up with "Life Outside Of The Bubble"? Well I planned on making this explanation short, but I see now that it may get lengthy as it calls for a little bit of testimony. So first, I was not born into a Christian Bubble. My mom & dad married in Southern California and moved to Wyoming around my 1st birthday. After my mom dabbled around in a couple different religions she finally settled (for awhile anyway) at a Baptist church where I attented regularly with her. When I was 8 yrs old I asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life. I understood that I was a sinner and He was the only Savior. Not too long after that my parents divorced. My mom headed back to So Cal while my dad stayed in Wyoming. I was given the choice of who I wanted to live with, so off to California I went with my mom. That decision started a long list of decisions that my parents weren't very good at making me stick with. I moved back and forth between them every couple of years. As a kid in California, life involved church (for a little while), moving a lot, mom's boyfriends, 2 stepdads, partying, "fun", and extended family. Not exactly what you picture when you think of a Christian Bubble. As a kid in Wyoming, life involved church (off/on), a stepmom, 2 of my 3 step-siblings, a somewhat absent dad who was always busy doing his own thing, partying, "fun", and extended family. Are you seeing the trend....

Eventually as a teenager I walked away from the Lord. That seemed easier then trying to fit into the Christian Bubble crowd. Well, the Lord broke me (alongside Miles) down in every way imaginable - through my marriage, through my kids, through my other family members, finacially, and even physically with health issues. Once Miles and I made the decision to turn our lives around and begin following the Lord, I began struggling with fitting into the Christian Bubble. Where did I fit in with my personality, after the life I had already led... I even had very visible tattoos??!! The fact is I don't "fit in".

It seems that the Lord never used "normal" circumstances in my life and today it is no different... so this is my blog about my life "Outside Of The Bubble"