Friday, May 6, 2011

"Happy Mother's Day to Me"

Here it is...
Happy Mother's Day!
ARGH!!!!! Ok, I said it. And there is no smiley face thingy to express my emotion here.
I do. I really honestly do.
Am I horrible or what??
Honestly, I don't care... I still hate it!
For me, Mother's Day is celebrating MY mom...
well, she died over 2 years ago...
what exactly am I to celebrate?! (rhetorical question, don't bother!)
I know, I know... "you have 5 kids... blah, blah, blah..."
I get it, I do... but when you have spent essentially 30 years celebrating your Mom
on Mother's Day
and then she is suddenly gone.................................................
well, Mother's Day just sucks now!
That's it, that's my rant.
I miss my mom... she was one of my best friends.
I loved her. I still love her so much!
She was awesome, she really was, even through all her "MOM?!" moments!
She was the best Mimi my kids will ever have.
I'm sad that my kids miss her.
I'm sad that some of kids have NO memory of her.
I'm sad 2 of my kids have never met her.
I'm just sad.
There I said it!
I miss her, it's not fair... more "blah, blah, blah...."
So now I am a full blown blubbering idiot and I can't find the pic of my mom and I that I wanted to post, so forget it, I just want to be done.
Here is the best pic of her.
And all my babies!Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I have this friend...

I have this friend...
we've been friends, very good friends, since Middle School...
we have A LOT of memories together...
our kids are the same age, we were pregnant together...
I know that she would do anything for me or anyone in my family...
and she is currently an inmate at a state correctional facility.
Yep, how's that for "Life Outside of the Bubble"?
*disclaimer-her current home will be from about 9mo to 2yrs... 6mo down!
This friend had a rought start to adulthood... married her abusive boyfriend right out of high school. I prayed for her safety for years. Then I began praying for the safety of her kids. And I prayed for Jesus to touch their lives.
Finally, my prayers were answered... way beyond what I ever asked for.
Not only is she one of my very best friends, she is my sister in Christ and I love her!
When I got to talk with her yesterday on the phone (she calls every couple of weeks) we were both in tears. She was telling me how all she does now "on the inside" is read and study her Bible and go to all church activities, she "can't get enough"... those were her words. She told me that she finally understood why I had been praying for her all these years, why I hadn't given up on her, why I loved her....
Then she began to tell me that the way I live my life finally made sense to her...
I couldn't keep it in...
the tears flowed!
I am humbled and elated at the same time. Not very often in this life do we get to hear someone say those kind of things. So many times we may be involved with the beginning of someone's spiritual journey but rarely get to see them mature and grow over the years.
I feel privileged that the Lord has given me such an amazing friend...
then AND now!
I feel very unworthy of her words... I've been in a valley for quite some time...
I'm thankful it isn't valleys all of the time and for this little glimpse of the mountain peak!

Friday, January 28, 2011


WARNING: The following post is indeed a rant.
Do I believe it is real? Yes!
Do I believe it has anything to do with spiritual matters of the heart? Sure!
Do I think there is such a thing as post-partum depression? Absolutely!
Do I have a family history of depression? Unfortunately!
This post is not up for spiritual debate! I'm done with that!
I personally believe that depression is real and
that there are medications that can be of great help! This is not my first rodeo so to speak!
And it almost makes me angry to think that some people deprive themselves of help just because some legalistic "Christian" told them that they wouldn't need medication if they'd just get right with God!
It's hard being an only child teenager of divorced parents living between the craziness of Southern California and the remoteness of Wyoming. Feeling led to find out what my relationship with Christ was all about...
in a VERY large church... ON MY OWN!!!
It's hard having a 10 month old, being pregnant, and having a husband work 70+ hrs a week!
It's hard having 2 "babies" and an undiagnosed illness that interferes with daily living!
It's hard being broke!
It's hard having sick kids!
It's hard when your mother dies unexpectedly!
It's hard living 900 miles away from your closest family!
I've dealt with depression on and off in my life for about 20yrs, give or take. I've gone back and forth about the whole medication debate. It has worked for me in the past and I have also benefited from solely seeking the Lord's help. But now it seems different...
Webster defines depression (as I am talking about it) as:
2. b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection
(2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies
c (1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force
(2) : a lowering of vitality or functional activity

Yep, that would be me... all of those (minus the suicidal tendencies)!
Do I think it's post-partum? Yes! Having a baby does crazy things to a woman!
Do I think it's genetic? How could it NOT be?!
I truly believe those 2 things put together are a dangerous combination and I am taking it seriously! Because definition 2 b (1) leads to b (2) and c (1), I am back on medication and seriously examing my heart condition! I am trying to help myself...
and my family for that matter!
When did "trying to help yourself" become a legalistic debate?
How is taking medication wrong if it leads to better sleep, a healthy appetite, being able to concentrate, being active and functional, and possibly even happy??
I think there is no debate!
In my little bubble, medication is a gift from God to my entire family!

Monday, August 16, 2010

OB Doc doesn't suck!

My OB appointment went well. He took the time to look back in my chart about my last pregnancy and agreed that I needed pain meds and gave me the script. Wheewwww!! That anxiety is over! Ironically, the day I wrote the previous post someone posted something about pain meds and being treated like a junkie on a discussion board I follow. I feel so bad for so many people because I know what it's like to live with chronic pain and nothing you can do to fix it. I'm thankful today's appointment went like it did!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pain Sucks

Pain sucks!! No matter the reason, it sucks!! You'd think it would suck a little less after 8 yrs... wrong! So since I am currently engaged in a pain pity party I thought I'd write about it. It helps sometimes, maybe I think it keeps me from going insane. Just a warning... I don't think I have anything really profound or insightful to write. So I completely understand if you stop reading now.

So in the thralls of pitiness I still ask the stupidest question, "why?". Not necessarily "why me?" but more "why this?". Why not something more treatable? Why not something more understood and excepted? And WHY Kansas? "Why Kansas?" You might ask. Well, if you have chronic pain this is one of THE worst states to possibly live in. Thanks to some wonderful doctors who made tons of money illegally and killed some people along the way by prescribing pain meds. Most doctors here are down right scared to even prescribe pain meds, that is if they even believe you need them in the first place!! (By they way, those docs are now in prison) Thankfully (hey look, something positive) our family doctor is great. He and Miles have built a bond outside of the clinic and I'm certain that was not by accident. So my doctor believes me and takes wonderful care of me. BUT... being pregnant and insurance changes have caused me to be doctoring with a new OB. So here I am, on the verge of yet another appointment to explain myself. And for those of you freaking out to read that I take pain meds while pregnant, you can calm down... I've been on pain meds during every pregnancy except the first (before I got "sick"). All of my babies have been born healthy. I can most certainly say that I am not addicted either. I have great control when it comes to taking them... I have to be in ALOT of pain and for awhile and have tried other things first before I take anything. They work but they also have side effects which aren't that pleasant.

So, on Monday I get to bring this up with the OB. The pain is worse now, always is later in pregnancy. Then I get to take my prescription to the pharmacy where the tech will give me that LOOK, not only because of the pain meds but because of being pregnant. Then when I go back the pharmicist will give me the same LOOK as he/she explains the medication info assuming I'm a junkie.
So here is the real "why?" I guess....
Why do I feel like I have to plead my case and withstand those looks and judgements just to get relief and taken care of? Just doesn't seem fair.

I know a lady here that has chronic, severe pain from a years old injury that has resulted in additional pain from scar tissue/arthritis/nerve damage. She got "accidently" placed on the DEA watchlist by a pharmacy when she was getting her pain meds. Because of that she CANNOT get any pain med precriptions filled. (that "accident" cannot be reversed once done) She is now on a pain pump. The final, last resort treatment for pain. She is in her mid 50s, with no other pain med options available to her for the rest of her life probably! Now THAT isn't fair! Pain Sucks!!!
So now I have totally forgotten where I was going to go with this pity party originally... oh well. Maybe someone will be encouraged just to know they aren't alone at their own pity parties!

And just because it's been awhile... if you or someone you know has pain from a chronic condition and/or invisible illness, check out this website.
it is fabulous! and they have a page on facebook too!

Monday, June 21, 2010


So, I've been dealing some of these kind of "especially spiritual" people nearly everyday for years. And it has been extremely frustrating, not to mention annoying, and has caused a bit of hardening of my heart.
So after Pastor Mike's sermon it's really been on my mind, "what can I do on my end of these relationships to keep from being frustrated, annoyed, and bitter?"

Humble myself. Remember that everyone is of different spiritual maturity. Pray for them. Love them because Christ loves them. Do not spend wasted amounts of energy on being frustrated, annoyed, or bitter!

Sorry if these posts have been a bit of a rant!!

Monday, June 14, 2010


A couple weeks ago during a sermon on Ruth, our Pastor made a comment and my first thought was, "That's what I always think!" So what was the comment...
"I have mentioned on more than one occasion that I have a pet peeve–it’s people who talk like they have an inside track on God's plan. They never seem to be in doubt about what field they should glean in. They are constantly saying things like, “The Lord told me to do this,” “the Lord told me to go there,” “God revealed such-and-such to me.” You know what? I don't believe them. I think they talk that way because it sounds so spiritual. " Pastor Mike Andrus

Why in the world do people do this?
Do they not feel secure that God really does have a plan? So they are trying to convince us (and themselves) that this what God wants them to do?!
Are they still working on ridding themselves of things like pride and arrogance? Speaking of things this way makes them feel special, especially spiritual?!

I think maybe it's a little bit of both and also a huge part of their character. I think maybe that majority of the people who speak this way have the same attitude about the rest of their life. They know what's best, what should happen next, where they should go, what they should try, and they don't listen to anyone else's advice and they certianly don't seek out counsel regarding anything. They know it all... just ask them!
So when faith in Christ comes into their life what are they supposed to do? Hope in things unseen? Walk by faith? Trust the words of God?

After his comment Pastor Mike shared something about Ironside,
"Dr. Harry Ironside, the famous pastor of Moody Church in Chicago, once said that about 80% of the time he didn't know for sure what God's will was when he had to make a decision. Usually God would confirm His will later, but at the time, Ironside made his decisions based upon reason and common sense and the general parameters of Scripture. If a man as godly as Ironside was flying blind, I suspect you and I are, too, most of the time."

*****I feel I should put a little disclaimer in here... please do not get the impression that I don't think I have some of the same issues as the people I am talking about. I have made mistakes, thinking I was doing what the Lord wanted. I can admit when I am wrong and hopefully learn a huge lesson. I have no problem seeking out counsel. It is called growth. Continuing the same behaviors over and over, obviously shows no growth*****

Ok, so where did all this come from??? Well, that answer will have to wait until the next post!