"Happy Mother's Day to Me"

Here it is...

Happy Mother's Day!
ARGH!!!!! Ok, I said it. And there is no smiley face thingy to express my emotion here.
I HATE MOTHER'S DAY!
I do. I really honestly do.
Am I horrible or what??
Honestly, I don't care... I still hate it!
For me, Mother's Day is celebrating MY mom...
well, she died over 2 years ago...
what exactly am I to celebrate?! (rhetorical question, don't bother!)
I know, I know... "you have 5 kids... blah, blah, blah..."
I get it, I do... but when you have spent essentially 30 years celebrating your Mom
on Mother's Day
and then she is suddenly gone.................................................
well, Mother's Day just sucks now!
That's it, that's my rant.
I miss my mom... she was one of my best friends.
I loved her. I still love her so much!
She was awesome, she really was, even through all her "MOM?!" moments!
She was the best Mimi my kids will ever have.
I'm sad that my kids miss her.
I'm sad that some of kids have NO memory of her.
I'm sad 2 of my kids have never met her.
I'm just sad.
There I said it!
I miss her, it's not fair... more "blah, blah, blah...."
So now I am a full blown blubbering idiot and I can't find the pic of my mom and I that I wanted to post, so forget it, I just want to be done.
Here is the best pic of her.
And all my babies!Happy Mother's Day!

I have this friend...

I have this friend...

we've been friends, very good friends, since Middle School...

we have A LOT of memories together...

our kids are the same age, we were pregnant together...

I know that she would do anything for me or anyone in my family...

and she is currently an inmate at a state correctional facility.

Yep, how's that for "Life Outside of the Bubble"?

*disclaimer-her current home will be from about 9mo to 2yrs... 6mo down!

This friend had a rought start to adulthood... married her abusive boyfriend right out of high school. I prayed for her safety for years. Then I began praying for the safety of her kids. And I prayed for Jesus to touch their lives.

Finally, my prayers were answered... way beyond what I ever asked for.

Not only is she one of my very best friends, she is my sister in Christ and I love her!

When I got to talk with her yesterday on the phone (she calls every couple of weeks) we were both in tears. She was telling me how all she does now "on the inside" is read and study her Bible and go to all church activities, she "can't get enough"... those were her words. She told me that she finally understood why I had been praying for her all these years, why I hadn't given up on her, why I loved her....

Then she began to tell me that the way I live my life finally made sense to her...

I couldn't keep it in...

the tears flowed!

I am humbled and elated at the same time. Not very often in this life do we get to hear someone say those kind of things. So many times we may be involved with the beginning of someone's spiritual journey but rarely get to see them mature and grow over the years.

I feel privileged that the Lord has given me such an amazing friend...

then AND now!

I feel very unworthy of her words... I've been in a valley for quite some time...

I'm thankful it isn't valleys all of the time and for this little glimpse of the mountain peak!

depression?!

WARNING: The following post is indeed a rant.

Depression?!

Do I believe it is real? Yes!

Do I believe it has anything to do with spiritual matters of the heart? Sure!

Do I think there is such a thing as post-partum depression? Absolutely!

Do I have a family history of depression? Unfortunately!

This post is not up for spiritual debate! I'm done with that!

I personally believe that depression is real and

that there are medications that can be of great help! This is not my first rodeo so to speak!

And it almost makes me angry to think that some people deprive themselves of help just because some legalistic "Christian" told them that they wouldn't need medication if they'd just get right with God!

It's hard being an only child teenager of divorced parents living between the craziness of Southern California and the remoteness of Wyoming. Feeling led to find out what my relationship with Christ was all about...

in a VERY large church... ON MY OWN!!!

It's hard having a 10 month old, being pregnant, and having a husband work 70+ hrs a week!

It's hard having 2 "babies" and an undiagnosed illness that interferes with daily living!

It's hard being broke!

It's hard having sick kids!

It's hard when your mother dies unexpectedly!

It's hard living 900 miles away from your closest family!

LIFE is HARD!

I've dealt with depression on and off in my life for about 20yrs, give or take. I've gone back and forth about the whole medication debate. It has worked for me in the past and I have also benefited from solely seeking the Lord's help. But now it seems different...

Webster defines depression (as I am talking about it) as:

2. b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection
(2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies
c (1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force
(2) : a lowering of vitality or functional activity

Yep, that would be me... all of those (minus the suicidal tendencies)!

Do I think it's post-partum? Yes! Having a baby does crazy things to a woman!

Do I think it's genetic? How could it NOT be?!

I truly believe those 2 things put together are a dangerous combination and I am taking it seriously! Because definition 2 b (1) leads to b (2) and c (1), I am back on medication and seriously examing my heart condition! I am trying to help myself...

and my family for that matter!

When did "trying to help yourself" become a legalistic debate?

How is taking medication wrong if it leads to better sleep, a healthy appetite, being able to concentrate, being active and functional, and possibly even happy??

I think there is no debate!

In my little bubble, medication is a gift from God to my entire family!