Something about having kids and being responsible has sparked a weird kind of dislike, or maybe fear... at any rate, I'm not a huge fan of the biggest, baddest ones anymore. I think I used to enjoy life being a sort of rollercoaster too. That has also changed!!
It seems like the last few weeks, since Oct. 25-the 1st yr anniversary of my mom's death, have been crazy. One day I think I'm handling things really well and I can actually think about her without crying. Then most days, I just feel weird, kind of like a zombie... in emotional limbo. Similar to the first few weeks after she died. Then there are the bad days too. Seems like those usually begin after waking up from a weird dream about her.
And now with Christmas nearly here... it's been terrible, I almost wish it was February and we were well past this time.
Christmas was her favorite time of year... she had LOTS of decorations, outside, inside, in everyroom, even the bathroom!! She started listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. She could drive around every night and look at others decorations. She always bought a little something for everyone, probably even the mailman!!! While I was annoyed at most of these Christmas traditions... I miss them now... I miss then desperately. I would love to go back and truly enjoy those times with her.
Now I struggle to make Christmas enjoyable and not annoying for my kids and to also truly enjoy the time with them. It is such a strange place to be in. I am seeing the need to lean on the everlasting arms of the Savior... the One who started all these crazy traditions in the first place!
This is one of my favorite Christmas pics with her!Thank you Jesus!
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